*Smack* That's right, SMACK! Lol, that's how I felt yesterday after talking with my beautiful woman and having her basically tell me what I'm doing wrong, explaining what she would like to see me doing and how if I don't stop with my stupid bullshit, its over.

Well, I refuse to have it be over because I'm a stubborn ass, hehe. But seriously, I refuse to let the only Love that's ever felt TRUE to me, slip through my fingers because of my Choices to follow the path of the lower vibrations and frequencies.

So basically, I feel like a big jackass. I mean, what in my life has made it so horrible to where I was always in pain?? I know what it was:

My choice.

Well, that choice is different now. I refuse to be the little kid of old, and I am only working and focusing on GROWING. I need to GROW more, and I need to GROW UP, its about damn time! I need to be a man. For myself, and for my beautiful lover. I've wanted this for some time, but I kept CHOOSING the path of Negativity, Sorrow, and untruth. Well, I'm done with that CHOICE, I'm THROUGH!!!

I can't be the man she deserves if I keep up with this stupid non-sense. She deserves someone better than someone who is always complaining or makes up excuses, or treats people like dirt, or acts better than people. That's just like her ex and that IS NOT FAIR TO HER AT ALL!!!!!!

I am not like him, I am different. I refuse to be like him. I also refuse to be like my ex girlfriend, and don't take responsibility for everything I've caused on myself.

All this 'pain' and 'sorrow' is all my own doing. And it really sucks, because its not fair to the ones I love; Myself, Alicia, my family and friends. Its not fair to any of us at all, which is why I'm done. Done with that bullshit attitude, done with CHOOSING to have a miserable life.

I am CHOOSING the path I should be following, the path that feels right, inside my heart and soul. The path of LOVE, COMPASSION, KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING. The first step in doing so, is forgiveness. I forgive myself for being such a child.

Now the next step is learning to forgive what my past girlfriends have done. I don't think I'll ever see Mandi again but I will do all I can to forgive her. It would be easier to see her in person, tell her I forgive myself and her and give her a hug, but I don't think that will ever happen lol. I could probably drive to my friends' house and find my ex girlfriend Sariah next door. I actually have been pondering the past week if I should pull her aside by herself if I see her again and just tell her how much I forgive her, and give her a hug full of Compassion, Understanding, Forgiveness, and the Love of Friendship we used to have. I don't know how my girl would feel about it but she did tell me she wants me to start trying to better myself...And holding onto the past and the negativity brought on to me by my ex will do nothing but hold me back.

I have to forgive and forget to move forward towards being the man Alicia deserves.

Epiphanies are so intense sometimes xD

Been getting back into my creative side a bit, hope everyone enjoys :D

Baby oh baby you are mine, baby oh baby you make the stars shine. Together as one we travel the world, together as one you are the only girl! Woah baby! Yeah baby! Together as one we travel the world, together as one you are the only girl

Baby oh baby you are mine, baby oh baby you make the stars shine. Baby oh baby you are mine, baby oh baby you make the stars shine.

You are such a delicacy you sweet babe of mine, you make everything in the world oh so fine! Woah baby! Yeah baby!

Baby oh baby you are mine, baby oh baby you make the stars shine. Together as one we travel the world, together as one you are the only girl! Woah baby! Yeah baby! Together as one we travel the world, together as one you are the only girl

The sweet taste of your lips resonate in my mind, lets put the pain of the past all behind! Woah baby! Yeah baby! Woah baby! Yeah baby!

You are a sweet nectar provided by God, I'll follow you and your dreams like a little puppy dog! Baby oh baby you are mine, baby oh baby you make the stars shine. Baby oh baby you are mine, baby oh baby you make the stars shine.

Your eyes are like diamonds in the sky, this is true oh I'd never lie! The beauty you have is oh so fine, you are always mine!!

The sounds of Mother Gaia fade away as the sounds of eternal space begin to fill my head as I travel upwards into the highest reaches of the atmosphere that protects Mother Gaia's children from the extreme energy and light of father Sun. Sense of time is distorted, all bodily senses long gone once reaching this higher state above the calm skies of Mother Gaia in which my spirit may take me on magnificent journey throughout the different worlds and visions of Grandfather Creation and his amazing children of thought. Flowing freely my mind races across vast amounts of space, sense of time still distorted, as if I could travel billions of light years in one nano-second. My mind, no longer attached to the physical body, the mortal human shell of grandfather's design, so perfect and flawless, taking an eternal journey through grandfather's wonderful creation.

But what is this? A sense of loss. Isn't loss a feeling of chemical reactions inside the human shell? It must be, because there are no other senses or feelings. But what is this sense of loss? What could this spirit possibly be missing?

Searching and wondering, I called out to grandfather: "I am finally free! But I don't feel complete! What is wrong grandfather, why am I not complete if I am able to feel free? Isn't being free, being complete?"

Grandfather's essence melded into mine own, 'Free? Everyone is free. Even in a mortal human shell, one is free. Certainly it is known. You are free. Everyone is free. Being complete isn't necessarily being free from thy mortal human shell. Go. You are not complete. It is not your time for another lifestream'

Instantaneously, I felt a rush of senses. Smell. Taste. Hear. Touch and finally sight. I could feel the presence of those around me, watching me as I slowly opened my eyes to observe where I was. I was free! Why did I have to be brought back here!! I thought to myself as I gazed around the room, observing everything.

The words of grandfather pulsed through my consciousness: You are free. Everyone is free. But you are not complete.

I could not understand this, where did the sense of loss come from? I then glanced over and saw her; her teary eyes glittering as gold in the sun, her smile as beautiful as a twilight scenery in the rural mountains.

Then grandfathers words made sense to me, as quick as a knife could stab through human flesh: Without her, I am not complete.

I hate this fucking bullshit drama my mom causes all the damn time.

I can't wait to find a job so I don't have to talk to her anymore, ever again.

How when you think about expressing things about your feelings in the form of extremely subtle hints more so than you have been doing, or through emo-poems to someone indirectly, because you're such a pussy and afraid of the outcome, that things transpire and that person in fact expresses their feelings to you; therefore, breaking the icy barrier that your mind created through fear of rejection and fear of following something that wouldn't work the way you wanted it to. Selfishness, when it comes to mental well-being and emotion, is a good thing. I didn't know this until my discussion tonight with a very close, beautifully gorgeous friend of mine. It then hit me; why am I being so afraid? Why am I hiding behind this transparent icy wall, holding back how I feel about this person, putting my mind/soul through the torment of hiding how I really feel about this beautiful human being?

GOD! It feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders, to find out how this person felt towards me! It feels like the Golden Path (Dune reference :P) has been laid before me, ready for me to grab a hold of the strings of the future and give it a big yank, and climb my way towards what I really want; to be happy with myself, and in turn, make this beautiful woman happier!

I feel kind of foolish for not bringing it up sooner to her, but I had this grand vision within my head to bring it up in person when she came to visit because I thought it would have been better that way. Well, I'm glad I was proven wrong!! Cause if I wasn't proven wrong, I could have been too late, just like Greg told me I was going to be if I didn't 'just do it' (Thanks for trying to push me Greg, appreciated man!)

I guess I'm just trying to say thank you. Thank you for deciding its time to tell me how you feel because in turn, I was able to tell you (remember, like is an understatement!!!) my feelings as well. Releasing a big weight so to speak, off of my shoulders and presenting me with what I need to do with myselfvin order to become closer when you move up here. Something both of us want. I've wanted it for some time now. And now, I have the chance to finally get something in my life that I've always wanted.

Thank you again, thank you so much! There is not enough ways in the human vocabulary to express the thanks I have towards you. The thanks for you being there when I needed someone to cry to, the thanks for being there when I needed someone to turn to, the thanks for being there when I needed to talk to someone.

The thanks, for just being.

Being you.

The name of my new song. Its totally killer, and totally bangin' Dark Psy. I know for a fact that when I get it fully Mixed-down, this song is going to be another one of my masterpieces!! Right now I'm just thinking of where to take the song..I have an awesome quote from Blade Runner and the 32 beats after the tiny breakdown = Amazing!!

I just have to figure out where to go with it now..Another breakdown? Keep the energy going for another 32 beats and just take something away and keep doing it for 64 more beats, then break it down?

I hope after some epic Xbox action, I will know which direction to take it!!!! Time to jam the fuck out to some Dark Psy on the way to town >:]

I miss you my dear friend, I hope you're alright!!!!!

Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable.

I stole it from a friend on Facebook but I don't give a fuck. Its truth!

Don't go thinking weird things now, you wasscawwy wabbit!! xD

Well I chat with Chi-Gu Kom sometimes and he linked me up to his new song and oh boy this shit is awesomely aggressive and IN YOUR FACE!!! I'm going to try to mix some Dark Psy with it when I can get the chance >:]

Well anyways, two/three weeks sober! I haven't touched green for about two/three weeks (I can't remember...Which is sad as hell xD) and I'm pretty proud of myself. I don't really want to do it anymore, but when it comes around, its so hard to stop myself from doing it because I'm so depressed... Gah, life sucks the big monkey testicles a lot of the time!! xD

I sometimes wonder if I'm from the Stars in one of my past lives...I'm so in love with the stars and the Universe, it makes me ponder strange things...

*Sigh* I need to find something to occupy my life.. I also need a job...



...I need a life...

I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE!!!!

So something I just noticed.... The DJ is using Serato on my template, LMFAO!!!!



Anyways; I wish my mom hadn't have taken her camera to Colorado, so I could take pictures of the beautiful fall colours that are around my home up here in Mink Creek. I'm so excited! I haven't seen FALL for three years! Arizona totally sucks when it comes to the changing of the seasons :'(

Well here we go for some updates;

Wednesday: I found out that Brooke was okay and still alive! I was pretty worried about her because she's like the only best friend I have left in this world and I don't know what I would do with myself, or my insanity if I were to lose her :( I also went and hung out with Emily and her boyfriend Dakota, and we went to SCA Fighter Practice and I put on some armour 'n shit and donned a shield and went for it. Again, I have black and purple bruises on my left hip/ass area...I need to learn how to block my shit more!! Afterwards, we went to the Village Inn and chilled 'n shit.

Thursday: Absolutely nothing. Just chilled, was bored, talked shit on shady pedophile Promoters in Phoenix, ate, and played some Final Fantasy II (the remade NES version on the Playstation)

Friday: Nothing much really until the afternoon. Went and hung out with my friend Krystal and her boyfriend Jeff. Met up with them at Walmart (they were shopping) and then gave them a ride back to their house. Me and Krystal played some Tekken 2 and had some good rounds, and then Jeff went to bed and we watched Where The Buffalo Roam and I must say that I have another new hero in my life; Doctor Hunter S. Thompson. I was supposed to go play Magic: The Gathering with my buddy but was hanging out with Krystal and didn't leave until late at night and Monson was asleep by then.. The thing about Krystal is that she's in a Polyamorous relationship with Jeff and well, she told me one night that she loves me. Which is fine, I've been told that by many people I don't have feelings like that for but it makes me wonder as to why I can't have people I DO HAVE THESE FEELINGS FOR, to fall in love with me.. Its like, 'Wtf Universe? Can't I create this reality, or do you have to hate on me and fuck me over 'n shit?!'

I am 100000010% that I love someone, but I'm not sure if they love me and quite frankly, it is kind of scary....Anywho; onto more day updates.

Today, Saturday: I didn't do much really, except laze about, eat food and watch a bit of college football. Programmed a tiny, and I mean TINY bit, lol. I am actually going to get in the shower and get ready to head to Preston, to go play some Magic: The Gathering with the Monson. I hope Brooke is okay after having her Chameleon pass on last night.. It sucks to lose loved ones, especially pets!

More updates to come, probably later tonight!

Post Script (aka P.S. :P) If you read this tonight Brookie and you want to chat, you should txt my phone plz? I wanna chat with ju ^_^